First dates are often filled with excitement, anticipation, and a little bit of nervousness. As a therapist trained in Gottman methods, I’ve seen firsthand how the right approach to early dating can make a significant difference in the long-term success of a relationship. While the Gottman Method is typically applied to ongoing relationships, its principles are just as useful for creating a positive first impression and laying the groundwork for future connection.
Based on these principles, here are my top do’s and don’ts for a successful first date.
Do: Show Genuine Interest and Curiosity
In relationships, one of the key elements that foster connection is the concept of “turning toward” your partner’s bids for attention. On a first date, this means actively listening, engaging with what your date is saying, and being curious about their life. Ask open-ended questions, listen attentively, and offer your own thoughts in response. This creates an environment where your date feels heard and valued, which is a great start for building rapport.
When your date talks about their hobbies, work, or experiences, respond thoughtfully rather than just nodding along. Your genuine interest is a signal that you’re emotionally present, which can help create a deeper connection right from the beginning.
Don’t: Criticize or Complain
As a Gottman-trained therapist, I know that one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship is criticism, one of what John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen. Although it may seem unlikely to appear on a first date, subtle forms of criticism or complaining can easily slip into conversation. Whether it’s negative comments about the food, the service, or even traffic, too much negativity can dampen the mood and create an unfavorable impression.
Instead, focus on keeping the conversation positive and light-hearted. If something doesn’t go perfectly during the date, such as a delayed meal or an awkward moment, laugh it off and steer the conversation toward more enjoyable topics.
Do: Keep the Conversation Balanced and Positive
In my experience, positive interactions are key to any successful relationship. The Gottman Method emphasizes maintaining a ratio of positive to negative interactions, which is crucial even on a first date. Aim to share pleasant, light-hearted stories and bring positive energy to the conversation. Humor and shared laughter can be powerful tools for connection.
Equally important is balancing the conversation. While it’s natural to share your own experiences and stories, be mindful of giving your date space to talk. A healthy back-and-forth exchange shows mutual respect and sets the tone for future conversations.
Don’t: Overshare or Monopolize the Conversation
It’s tempting to share your life story on a first date, but be cautious not to dominate the conversation. While being open is important, oversharing personal details too soon can overwhelm your date. The Gottman Method highlights the importance of pacing and respecting emotional boundaries.
Remember, a first date is about creating curiosity and intrigue. Focus on building rapport by sharing just enough about yourself, while leaving space for your date to share as well.
Do: Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Cues
Much of our communication is non-verbal, and the Gottman Method underscores the importance of understanding emotional cues. On a first date, pay close attention to your body language and your date’s. Maintaining good eye contact, smiling, and leaning in slightly can convey interest and attentiveness.
At the same time, observe your date’s body language. Are they engaged and open, or do they seem closed off or distracted? This can provide important information about how the date is going and whether you’re both on the same page emotionally.
Don’t: Ignore Red Flags
While first dates are about getting to know each other in a positive light, it’s also important to remain aware of red flags. Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence and respect in relationships. If your date displays rude, disrespectful, or overly negative behavior, take note.
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a first date, but it’s crucial to listen to your intuition. If something feels off or uncomfortable, don’t dismiss it. Building healthy, respectful relationships starts from day one, and ignoring early warning signs can lead to problems down the line.
Conclusion
A first date is more than just a casual encounter—it’s an opportunity to set the foundation for a meaningful relationship. By using these principles from the Gottman Method, you can create a positive and engaging experience that fosters connection and mutual respect. Focus on showing genuine interest, keeping things positive, and being mindful of your emotional and non-verbal communication.
Remember, every relationship is built one moment at a time. Starting with the right mindset on a first date can pave the way for a lasting, fulfilling connection.